I think every pregnant woman, not matter what her history, has a small fear of losing her baby in that first trimester. Miscarriage is all too common, and I’m willing to bet every expectant mom knows at least one person who has experienced that loss. So, it’s only natural to feel the fear of losing the child you’re so expectantly carrying.
I also believe that if you have already experienced the loss of a baby, the fear is heightened. I never thought miscarriage would be a part of my journey to becoming a mom, but here I sit.
When Collin and I began trying to get pregnant this time around, I had it in my mind that I wouldn’t worry so much this time. With Nora, I was crippled by fear in the first few months. Every twinge, cramp, ache, spot, I would almost be drawn to tears praying for God to save this baby. I had trouble accepting that I would actually hold that child in my arms until I was well into the second trimester, and my fears began to subside.
I was just sure that this time around, since I had experienced a healthy pregnancy, that I wouldn’t fear as much.
Boy, was I wrong.
I really struggled in those first few weeks. I was hyper-aware of my body and couldn’t stop with the terrible what-if thoughts. I was absolutely terrified to go to our first ultrasound. That is when we learned we had lost our first baby. Thank goodness, the tech knew I had lost a child before, and she placed that wand on my belly and immediately said “I see a strong heartbeat!”
I wouldn’t say all my fears disappeared in that moment, but I sighed a big (no, huge) sigh of relief!
I think it will be a daily struggle to fight my fears. I’m human, imperfect, and fear is in my flesh. But, I am so glad I do not have to do that alone. I am not in control, but I have a loving Savior who is. My dad reminded me right before our ultrasound of this verse:
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. ~ 1 Peter 5:7
I have been leaning into that. Knowing that no matter what the outcome, God is for me. He cares deeply for me and this little baby. He will be by my side no matter what.
I take comfort in knowing that, and in the meantime I am enjoying having this little one swimming around inside me!